It's been awhile. I'm sorry for that but it has been so hard. After my last post I had my surgery. It went great, healed fine and to our surprise we got pregnant! But a few days after Christmas, right before my five week mark, I lost it. Then we dealt with my sister in law getting pregnant. Super happy for her, super sad for us.
So then we went on clomid. Did good with the side effects of it then we got out BFP! So exciting and a happy time. Until Af showed. Miscarriage number 2. But we found out yesterday that sis in law is having a girl so like I said, trying to be happy--not jealous.
I have started seeing a fertility councellor and am on round two of clomid with AF due any day....
I'm just taking it one day at a time. Because sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Poor Matt, he is putting up with my mood swings (side effects of clomid and you know, depression) but he is such a wonderful husband. Him and God are the only things getting me through everyday.
By the way, this month hits our two year mark of TTC. Yay.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
So I Had Planned To Be A Stay At Home Mom...
Like, it was my plan when we got married. I didn't go back to school so we could focus on my husband's job and schooling. Now that he is done, we wanted to start our family. And have been trying for over a year. I was a nanny off and on, but mostly a stay at home wife because we were dealing with my fibro and trying to learn how to deal with it. I never thought I would be anything else but a mommy. We both knew we wanted me to stay at home.
But now it is a real possibility that I won't get pregnant, at least for a long time. It could take years or we may have to adopt or just deal with the bitter fact that I don't get to be a mommy. So what do I do with my life.
I don't want to be a nanny anymore. Raising someone else's children while I can't have my own seems cruel to myself. I don't have any job experience other than nannying. Plus, it is impossible to get a job right in this economy (trust me, I tried. I will give it a few more months). So, I sit at home, cleaning and paying bills. Doing the chores and being a wife. I love it. But in this time and society I feel a lot of judgement for it. Especially from my friends and family. I've had a few ask me what I do with myself and why I don't do anything.
I'm just lost. What do I do? Anyone else in the position? I feel like I'm alone in this. We just took advantage of the idea that we would get pregnant and have this happy little family. I wanted to be barefoot and pregnant stuck in the kitchen (I know, I know, the feminist in you all is SCREAMING!) and the baby making machine for the most wonderful husband ever. He's always wanted kids and is so great with them. I feel like a failure since we found out that he most likely doesn't have anything wrong with him, and it is all on me.
Excuse me while I have myself a cry....
But now it is a real possibility that I won't get pregnant, at least for a long time. It could take years or we may have to adopt or just deal with the bitter fact that I don't get to be a mommy. So what do I do with my life.
I don't want to be a nanny anymore. Raising someone else's children while I can't have my own seems cruel to myself. I don't have any job experience other than nannying. Plus, it is impossible to get a job right in this economy (trust me, I tried. I will give it a few more months). So, I sit at home, cleaning and paying bills. Doing the chores and being a wife. I love it. But in this time and society I feel a lot of judgement for it. Especially from my friends and family. I've had a few ask me what I do with myself and why I don't do anything.
I'm just lost. What do I do? Anyone else in the position? I feel like I'm alone in this. We just took advantage of the idea that we would get pregnant and have this happy little family. I wanted to be barefoot and pregnant stuck in the kitchen (I know, I know, the feminist in you all is SCREAMING!) and the baby making machine for the most wonderful husband ever. He's always wanted kids and is so great with them. I feel like a failure since we found out that he most likely doesn't have anything wrong with him, and it is all on me.
Excuse me while I have myself a cry....
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Care To Join My Waiting Game?
The 2WW (two week wait from when you Ovulate to when your period or AF is to start) is probably the worst thing a women can do to herself. I don't mean the actually trying but you know when a women refers to this time as the 2WW she is in hell.
First, you are hopeful while you try not to be.
Second, you actually are waiting for AF to come or not. If you are pregnant or not. Or if you move on to Month 15 of TTC. Move on to the surgery that may or may not help you.
And one month closer to fertility medications. Which I found out, my insurance covers none of, but I can get reimbursed for it out of our flex account. Which will help a lot and I can only hope and pray we get pregnant before we run out of money in that account. Because anything after that is out of pocket. Awesome.
First, you are hopeful while you try not to be.
Second, you actually are waiting for AF to come or not. If you are pregnant or not. Or if you move on to Month 15 of TTC. Move on to the surgery that may or may not help you.
And one month closer to fertility medications. Which I found out, my insurance covers none of, but I can get reimbursed for it out of our flex account. Which will help a lot and I can only hope and pray we get pregnant before we run out of money in that account. Because anything after that is out of pocket. Awesome.
Friday, November 4, 2011
How I found out I was Infertile (hint: a doctor was involved!)
My husband, Matt, and I got married in 2008 and started trying to conceive (TTC) in March of 2010. We tried for six months but had to stop so I could take some medication. A few months later we started trying again when I was off the medication and now has added to a total of 14 cycles. Not the longest, I have seen many other women who have gone through longer or harder stories than mine. However, I need to express myself and my crazy feelings and emotions as we head towards "infertility". Up to this point we have done nothing but track cycles and 'do the deed' to get pregnant.
Today I had an appointment with a specialist on Endometriosis. My last doctor, who shall no be named, (let's call her Dr. I'm Better Than You or Dr. IBTY for short)told me that the only things she could do to help me with my pain was birth control, which clearly defeated the purpose of TTC, or prescription pain pills. Not satisfied with either answer I searched and found a wonderful doctor who will be called Dr. Wonderful.
He sat with me and explained my options and what he thought was going on with my body, even talking about my ability (or lack therefore) to get pregnant in great detail, wanted to solve my problem of constant pain I am in. Until I told him I didn't want to do IUI (artificial insemination) or really any fertility until we had been trying for two years, after all, we were young, myself being 23 and my husband 26. He told me because of my age, he usually tells couples that after one year of actively TTC and not getting pregnant is considered infertile. It shocked me. He was kind about it and told me, as I agreed that a surgery to clear all the Endometriosis would be best, that it may or may not help me get pregnant and I should fully considered the possibility that I will need assistance.
I knew it was a possibility, in the back of your mind, but you don't really consider it until you have to. And today I had to. Another option other than the surgery was to skip to IUI for a few cycles and see if I got pregnant and try to avoid a surgery. I had to actually stop and follow through with the plan my husband and I came up with if this ever came up in real life. We had talked about me getting a surgery if there was any chance to help the pain (and a not so secret hope that I am on of the lucky ladies that get pregnant after said surgery), this way if it took a long time with fertility treatments I would at least been in some sort of comfort.
So, yeah, today was a little hard, but good. I am excited for the surgery although it hasn't been set yet. I have the hope that it will be the answer we need but I'm not sure. I'm a bit afraid to go through treatments because of multiples and the risks involved. But I'm trying to stay focused on the positive, but I don't have the energy to deal with "under-lying emotions" Tonight. Besides, real emotions are over appreciated, it's much better to stuff everything into a tight, dark place and ignore it. (Disclaimer: I actually don't do this and I don't recommend anyone else does it. I'm just using sarcasm to channel deeper emotions. It works.)
Today I had an appointment with a specialist on Endometriosis. My last doctor, who shall no be named, (let's call her Dr. I'm Better Than You or Dr. IBTY for short)told me that the only things she could do to help me with my pain was birth control, which clearly defeated the purpose of TTC, or prescription pain pills. Not satisfied with either answer I searched and found a wonderful doctor who will be called Dr. Wonderful.
He sat with me and explained my options and what he thought was going on with my body, even talking about my ability (or lack therefore) to get pregnant in great detail, wanted to solve my problem of constant pain I am in. Until I told him I didn't want to do IUI (artificial insemination) or really any fertility until we had been trying for two years, after all, we were young, myself being 23 and my husband 26. He told me because of my age, he usually tells couples that after one year of actively TTC and not getting pregnant is considered infertile. It shocked me. He was kind about it and told me, as I agreed that a surgery to clear all the Endometriosis would be best, that it may or may not help me get pregnant and I should fully considered the possibility that I will need assistance.
I knew it was a possibility, in the back of your mind, but you don't really consider it until you have to. And today I had to. Another option other than the surgery was to skip to IUI for a few cycles and see if I got pregnant and try to avoid a surgery. I had to actually stop and follow through with the plan my husband and I came up with if this ever came up in real life. We had talked about me getting a surgery if there was any chance to help the pain (and a not so secret hope that I am on of the lucky ladies that get pregnant after said surgery), this way if it took a long time with fertility treatments I would at least been in some sort of comfort.
So, yeah, today was a little hard, but good. I am excited for the surgery although it hasn't been set yet. I have the hope that it will be the answer we need but I'm not sure. I'm a bit afraid to go through treatments because of multiples and the risks involved. But I'm trying to stay focused on the positive, but I don't have the energy to deal with "under-lying emotions" Tonight. Besides, real emotions are over appreciated, it's much better to stuff everything into a tight, dark place and ignore it. (Disclaimer: I actually don't do this and I don't recommend anyone else does it. I'm just using sarcasm to channel deeper emotions. It works.)
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